Creamy Basil Pesto



Pesto is pretty easy to make – throw shit in a food processor and blend in olive oil. But in true fashion I succeeded to make a gigantic mess by deviating from the original method and using my NutriBullet. Everything blended well but into the consistency of baby food. I then used my mini food processor because I was too lazy to bring out the big bastard but it wasn’t powerful enough to chop everything finely. So I had one bowl of pesto slime and another of roughly chopped ingredients. After taking an essential wine and scream/cry break I combined the two concoctions into what passed as “rustic pesto.” I’m just making shit up now. Point is; use a proper food processor for this recipe.

2 Cups Fresh Basil
1 Cups Pine Nuts
2 Cloves of Garlic – you can add more but if you keep pesto in the fridge you will have regrets.
1 Cup Pecorino Romano Cheese
1 Cup of Olive Oil
1 TSP Lemon Zest
Juice of Half a Lemon
Pinch of Salt

Add all ingredients except for the olive oil in a LARGE food processor and chop finely. Keep machine on while slowly adding in the olive oil until your desired consistency. You can add more oil later; you want a bit of a pool on top.

Creamy Pesto: This was so amazing, I can’t believe I’ve never done this before. Add half of a cup of half and half cream and two heaping spoons of pesto into a pot and warm it up. The cheese in the pesto will thicken the sauce but I strongly encourage adding more – cheese makes life better.


White Girl Ramen



To save you the time and exertion from a rage-induced comment, I will begin by acknowledging that my ramen recipe is influenced by but not traditionally a Japanese technique. Ramen has such a vast and rich history there is an entire museum dedicated to it. I won’t bequeath you a history lesson today but want my appreciation for the antiquity of this tradition to be known before I fuck it all up.

People in Toronto are cracked up on ramen – I haven’t seen such a huge food trend since pizza bagels. I’m assuming this fad is rampant in other North American cities but I’m marginally poor and have no money to travel. Honestly, living in such a culturally diverse city like Toronto I don’t really feel like I’m missing out on ethnic culinary experiences. Take for example the plethora of Japanese noodle houses popping up everywhere with Kenzo as the leader of the pack. I’ve been overindulging on the Sapporo Miso Ramen with ground pork – the miso based broth has a beer “essence.” I use essence insecurely because I’m sure there isn’t beer in it but you know how I feel about beer in my food – I dig that shit. So, I based my recipe on this bowl with the intention of adding beer to my broth but I only had white wine in the fridge which is why I appropriately call this, White Girl Ramen.


  • 4 Cups of Water
  • 2 Mushroom Bouillon Cubes
  • 2 TBSP Miso Paste
  • 1 TBSP Soy Sauce
  • 1 TSP Sesame Oil
  • Big Ass Splash of White Wine

The idea is to make your broth first, separately cook your additions and noodles then put it all together in individual bowls before serving. This would be great for a group of people who have different palates as the possibility of ingredients is endless. I added:

  • Instant Noodles
  • Ground Pork (no I didn’t, but I wanted to)
  • Cremini Mushrooms
  • Spinach
  • Pea Shoots
  • Green Onions

As mentioned, you can add whatever you want – knock yourself out!

Greek Bruschetta


This Greek Bruschetta is a version of a version of an original recipe I’ve never tried. My friend Lee made her version a few years ago and naturally I adjusted it to complement my own palate. What I like about this recipe is how fresh it is. The Bruschetta mixture isn’t placed on top of bread but is scooped up with warm pita triangles. Fresh lemon juice rounds out all the complimentary ingredients that burst with salty and tangy flavours. I use shallots in this recipe because of my intense aversion to raw onions – especially red or purple onions. Yuck. There are so many ingredients you can add or omit – knock yourself out!

  • 1 small pint Grape Tomatoes
  • 10 – 15 pitted and chopped Kalamata Olives
  • Crumbled Feta Cheese (as much as you want)
  • 2 cloves of Garlic
  • 1 medium Shallot
  • 1 – 2 squeezed Lemons (add to taste)
  • Tiny splash of Olive Oil
  • Tiny pinch of Salt

Just chop, mix and serve.

TIP: I pit olives by cutting one side off then pinch out the pit. 

Sweet and Sour Pickles



I like to consider myself a dill pickle enthusiast. I was the gross kid eating pickles and olives out of jars while watching Jem marathons. My taste buds give zero fucks about sweets. So when my mother recently told me she made 30 jars of Polish pickles I booked the first train home. I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into the soft, meaty flesh of a huge stinky deli-style pickle. But to my horror she presented a jar of what looked like sweet pickles. Now, not to sound dramatic but my hatred for sweet pickles is real and has been deeply seeded since childhood, comparable to assholes people with olive aversions.

But the love I have for my mother exceeds any pickle variety so I agreed to try her concoction after I calmed down from my meltdown. They were crunchy, I liked that. I was mortified when I saw raw onions floating around the jar but was able to keep my cool. As for the flavor, I thought I was experiencing Ageusia. Is it possible for a pickle to be sweet and sour? My taste buds were confused similar to the time I tried hot and sour soup – I just can’t. It doesn’t make sense! But somehow I was intrigued; eating one after the other I finally concluded the unique juxtaposition of flavor was indeed delicious. I even ate and enjoyed the raw onion – when my mother wasn’t looking.

Colleen’s Sweet and Sour Pickles

Line up 6 sterile pint sized mason jars. Add a few onion pieces and 1 garlic clove to each jar. Fill half the jars with bite-sized chunks of cucumber. Add more onion pieces. Fill the jars with more cucumber, 1 clove of garlic and 1 stem of fresh dill. Fill jars with the below brine and seal.

Makes 6 pints – boil for 1 minute.

  • 4 Cups of White Sugar
  • 4 Cups of White Vinegar
  • 1 Cup Water
  • ½ Cup of Salt

Freezing Tomatoes


While everyone is busy canning tomatoes, I’m freezing them. Why? Because I’m incredibly lazy and in denial; hence purchasing an enormous bushel of tomatoes with the expectation of canning all 54,681 of them. It’s also important to add that I do this every single year. Not only is canning a huge time suck, it’s messy and often dangerous. That’s my excuse, because honestly, caning freaks my shit out.

Stewing Tomatoes isn’t Rocket Science so I’ll Break it Down into Bullet Points

  • Blanch tomatoes until the skin splits. The time depends on how many tomatoes you have in the pot so my rule is: as soon as it splits, take that shit out.
  • Some people let their boiling hot tomatoes cool before they skin them but I have zero patience for that. I run one under cold water, skin it, cut out the green nipple and throw that hot bastard in a large pot.
  • Once you have a full pot of tomatoes, add salt and stew for an hour.
  • Let cool and double bag your batches. Sometimes I let the pot sit for 24 hours for more flavour. 

How to Easily Remove the Evil Foil Cap from a Bottle of Wine

How many times have I cursed while trying to peel away the utterly useless foil cap when opening a bottle of wine? How many nails have I sacrificed while picking away at tiny bits of foil? How many times have I stabbed my thumb with the dull knife attachment on my mediocre corkscrew? How many real life tears have been shed after a hard day of work when I just can’t get that fucking foil off my GD bottle of wine? I’m getting anxiety just thinking about it.

Now imagine my astonishment when I was performing all of the above in Scotty’s kitchen when he simply took a knife, ran it up the side of the foil cap and watched as it slipped right off. My jaw dropped. I was speechless. I gave him cut-eye and then wondered WHY have I never thought of this my entire drinking career?!


I don’t have a step-by-step guide or video on how to do this because I only have two hands and I often drink alone. I think it’s self-explanatory, just remember – only perform this magic trick with a sharp knife.

Also, this wine is delicious and under $15.  It’s rich and deep with major hits of vanilla and sometimes orange (maybe.)

Fish Fry, Two Ways

Where I come from, we eat a lot of fish, mainly Perch. My Uncle Bob is retired and goes fishing EVERY SINGLE DAY so we get that shit fresh. Naturally, everyone has their own way of cooking Perch but for me there is only one way – fish fry. If you’re lucky and don’t have to gut and clean the fish then this process is super quick and easy. Egg Wash + Coating + Deep Fry = Delicious.



Soak fish for a few minutes in an egg wash. My Aunt Linda uses, egg and milk. My father uses egg and water. When you’re ready to coat the fish, flip it in the egg wash a few times (don’t be a nerd, use your hands!) and transfer it to your plate of coating. My Aunt Linda uses Saltine Crackers that she runs through her food processor. My father uses Sylvia’s Fish Fry Mix or sometimes the Fried Chicken Mix. Dust off any excess coating and drop that shit in some hot ass oil.

Deep Fry:

My Uncle uses a modest deep fryer called, Fry Daddy and my father uses a propane tank attached to an open flame burner like a lunatic. I recommend the Fry Daddy. Using Conola Oil and carefully following the instructions, deep fry small batches of Perch for 10 minutes and let sit on a bed of paper towel for 5 minutes. I also recommend doing this outdoors.


Sometimes I squeeze some fresh lemon on top or whip up some tartar sauce:

  • 1 Cup of Mayo
  • 3 Dill Pickles, chopped
  • 2 TBSP of Capers, chopped
  • Half of a Lemon, squeezed
  • S&P

You could also add:

  • Smoked paprika
  • Fresh dill
  • Parsley
  • Hot Sauce

Can we also talk about how cute my Aunt Linda’s Hens and Chicks are? Totally stealing this idea next year.