Pico de Gallo


We can be honest with each other. This is a safe space. So I’m going to be frank – this salsa is straight up the worst to make. It’s an irrational time suck and hella messy. If you OCD in the kitchen like I do, I recommend carving out extra time for random cleaning fits. But if you have a few hours of torment to spare and a lot of wine to drink, it will be worth the impending anxiety attack – this salsa is that good.

When I make this, I make a shit load of it. If I’m feeling generous I’ll gift small jars or just eat salsa for weeks, like a lady – so feel free to cut the recommended portions in half for a smaller batch.

  • 15 – 20 Medium Tomatoes
  • 6 Green Onions
  • ½ White Onion
  • 6 – 8 Limes
  • 1 Jalapeno Pepper
  • 1 Cup Cilantro
  • 3 Cloves of Garlic
  • Salt to Taste

Wash, core and deseed the tomatoes. Quarter them and chuck them in a food processor. Pulse for a few seconds until the pieces are tiny. Now you have to strain them. You could probably use cheesecloth for this but I’m not one of those assholes who has cheesecloth laying around, I’m the asshole who strains them in a sieve for an hour because I like to make my life difficult. Chop the garlic, pepper, onion and cilantro then pulse them in your food processor until fine. Once you feel you have strained an acceptable amount of liquid from your tomatoes mix everything together, add lime juice and salt (to taste) in a glass bowl (only) and refrigerate for at least three hours before serving.

At this point if you’re feeling ambitious or drunk, making your own tortilla chips is super easy. Preheat oven to 350 ° cut flour tortillas into desired chip size. Place on a baking sheet and chuck them in the oven for 6 minutes, flip and bake for 3 more minutes – watch these suckers, they burn easily.



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